a parenthetical God

I just got this from my good friend Mana, whom I've known since my 1st year in college, 21 years ago. I'm going to see her for the 1st time in years next week in Denver (I'm going to Wyoming for work, and will make a pit stop on the way home in the Mile High City).

Last night I couldn't get to sleep. My mind was racing, probably from one too many Lavazza espressos after 5 pm. When I finally got to sleep, I had the funniest dream.

I dreamt that I died and went to Heaven and when I got there God and all my dead relatives gave me a roast, commemorating all my years on earth. Everybody was a comedian. My relatives recounted stories of my childhood and everybody had a good laugh. I was surprised to find that I was really diggin this soiree. Then at the end, just when I thought the festivities were coming to an end, God got up to say a few words. I thought to myself that his speech was really sort of half-assed. I mean He was GOD, afterall. He could have come up with something a little better. Its not like he hadn't had all the time in the world! But I quickly put that thought out of my head b/c I didn't want Him to read my mind and then change HIS mind about letting me into Heaven. Anyway, after he was done with his half-assed speech, he said, "And now, without further adieu, I give you, the photo montage!!!!" Everybody clapped. What the fuck? What was the photo montage?

This gigantic curtain opened up and before my very eyes, there was this beautiful montage of these amazing little moments in my life. "Nobody could have taken these pictures but GOD himself!", I marveled. They were candid little pearls of happy times in my life when no one else was watching, no one but GOD. There was the picture of me hugging my kitty cat when I was a kid, opening up my acceptance letter to medical school (there was only one of those), kissing an old lover (we were married in our hearts). There were funny pictures too. Me checking out that barista's ass at the small independently owned coffee shop on the downtown mall in Charlottesville; Virginia, getting my stiletto heel stuck in that grate in Manhattan and almost fucking killing myself; sending Arthur Weinstein a not-so-flattering limerick about his professorial abilities, or lack thereof. God thought that one was particularly funny and said parenthetically that even though Weinstein was a jew, he wasn't one of His chosen people. God thought that my lame professor "got what was coming to him. "This dude ROCKS!", I thought to myself.

I liked how parenthetical God was. Very random. And quite hilarious. All in all, an excellent public speaker. I was ashamed that I hadn't given him his due credit at the end of his speech earlier that night. Even now, he was constantly teaching me things. Wow.

At the end God thanked everyone for coming and admitted coyly that he had gotten his idea about the photo montage from myspace. He again added parenthetically that despite this good idea, he thought that myspace was created by Satan himself. He also thanked Maria Sharapova's great Aunt, Ludmilla, for introducing him to the Canon brand of cameras. He said he had used pentax before but was really excited about Canon's new "image stabilization" feature. He added again, parenthetically, that despite his pure love for Maria Sharapova, he really hated her dog, Dolce, a pomeranian. He was sure that Dolce was the spawn of a pomeranian and a jackel and mumbled something about genetics and "incomplete penetrance". I didn't get that part. I was never particularly good at genetics.

All in all it was a good night. And I only hope that the real God is as cool as the one in my dream. " 'For my God is a parenthetical God."...